We all have a reason for getting up in the morning, but when it comes to Chronic illnesses sometimes the reason for getting up is to simply prove to yourself that you can do it. Even then, we each have our own motivations or motivators to help us get through it and today, I thought I’d talk about mine. My wonderful partner who is the main reason I power through each day and who keeps me going when I cannot see a reason to.
I moved to my village almost 10 years ago at the age of 12, started a new school, a new life and on my very first day I met Sam. He became my best friend instantaneously, soon followed by becoming my boyfriend and partner. He has been there with me throughout my whole ordeal with my illness and diagnoses, seen it for himself and lived it with me and for that, I couldn’t be more grateful.
I often express my love for him but I feel like it is still not enough, I still don’t feel like he understands just how much he means to me and just how much I treasure everything he does for me. Which gets me to this very moment. There are an infinite amount of things I am grateful for of course, but I am going to try to limit myself to just ten. So, here it goes:
Putting up with my mood swings and attitude when I am in pain.
From being happy one minute, to breaking down the next you always seem to know just what to do to handle me at my best and worse. You never falter in your support and understanding of my condition.
Physically supporting me when my body gives up.
When my body seems to be broken you’re my crutch, my pick-me-up (quite literally), my protector. I know you always say you don’t mind supporting me but I know it’s not always easy so thank you.
Supporting me/covering for me to others when I get embarrassed.
When my condition takes over and plans with others have to be changed or strangers make passing comments or glare, you always handle the situation most beautifully and take away all my fears and pressures of pleasing others. You take the blame when there is none to take and make me feel less awkward.
Understanding when I need space to be alone or to just be in silence.
When I just need you to shut up and I get quite rude about it, you don’t mind really. You just sit there pleasantly, waiting for me to signal that I am ready to stop being a grumpy old troll. You don’t know how much this actually helps pull me around, just you showing me that you understand.
Your perfectly timed comforting skills, whether that’s through talking, listening, cuddling or bring me a cup or tea.
I think this one is pretty self-explanatory, you just seem to know what I need and when, as if by magic and you do it. This means a great deal to me and I am sorry I do not do more for you.
Going out of your way to make life a little bit easier for me.
Bringing things to me or organising things so I can benefit from them, you just always seem to have me in mind.
When I ask more of you than I should but you act like it’s nothing.
I depend on you a lot of the time for my lower points in life and you do not batter an eyelid at me. Not when I ask for a hang getting dressed or undressed, not when I get suck in the bath, or most embarrassingly for me, when I need you to help me just get to the bathroom. You do not falter.
Making me feel more myself, on days I don’t recognise my own reflection.
You remind me that this illness does not control me and that I am still me. You bring me back from the edge and help me gain my control back.
Sticking by me throughout this whole experience, even when I pushed you away.
When I get angry and push you away, sick of myself so I cause you pain and say the worst things imaginable, you know that it is all fuelled by anger and pain within and the words are false. When I try to hurt you, just because I want you to feel my pain internally too, you know this and accept that I am hurting, understand it and still stick by me. Even when I cannot forgive myself for the things I have said to you.
All in all, just loving me and choosing me to be in your life.
Of all the people you could have fallen in love with, you chose me and continue to even after all of the pain, upset and horror. I cannot be more grateful for this alone.
Sam, since the first day I met you I knew we were destined to be friends for ever, it is a dream come true that this turned into more than friendship. I have loved growing with you from our childish ways, through to our awkward teens and into adulthood. I can only hope to continue this into our older and final years.
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