We all live with things we don’t particularly enjoy; that annoying family member, that guy at work who’s jokes are just terrible, something in our appearance or the way our voice sounds when recorded (ew). But these are all things we get used to a learn to put up with. But there is one, one whose presence is never welcome, is not easy to put up with and who you cannot get rid of in a simple click of your fingers for he lives right upstairs in your brain, wriggling his was into the control centre of your body to have his fun. This irritating roommate is of course, anxiety.
The past month or so I have been feeling particularly rubbish in all honesty. My joints and body has been aching, swollen and all around sore, I’ve been working quite a bit which obviously doesn’t help the pain at all and to top it all off I had been getting this horrible pain in my chest and I knew as soon as I felt it what it was. Now I don’t know how other people feel when their anxiety comes on, nor do I know how quick or slow it happens for others but I am going to try my best to explain my own experience with it.
Okay, well for me anxiety attacks have a very long build up, it normally takes about two days before it finally reaches its peak and the full 48 hour build up is just a nightmare. You know its anxiety and not just ‘ohh I feel a bit down, must be having a bad day‘. It all starts with a pain in my chest, a bit like the feeling of heart burn I suppose. It’s an inconvenience and by this point, I am already feeling a little bit low and fed up. As the first day goes on the feeling gets more intense and spreads across my chest, I wouldn’t say it gets any worse but just more noticeable. I begin to get a headache and start to find it hard to both hold a convocation and attention in anything. I start to become introverted. All the while knowing that it’s my anxiety, which is the worst part. It’s like I know I am being stupid and acting up but I cannot do anything about it, I just have to let it pass.
So phase one is completed – headache, pain in chest and a low attention span leading me to not bother trying to talk or focus on anything. Great. From here I generally go one of two ways:
One – I begin to get extremely agitated at the fact I know exactly what is wrong but no matter how hard I try, my effort to move past it fails. I become fuelled by this almost and find I getting extremely frustrated and annoyed at the littlest things. In social environments I feel as though everyone is watching me or saying something about me, making me burn up inside, so much so I am ready to explode!Two – The other way is the complete opposite, I get paranoid and become almost like Fear off Inside Out. I freak myself out by everything, become jumpy and feel on edge at everything I do. I avoid all eye contact and my insides curdle just at the thought of people looking at me.
From here they both route back to the same feelings. It calms itself down a bit and I begin to feel okay again. PHEW, it’s all over…. NOT!
It’s always at night that my anxiety peaks. I wake up abruptly with an excruciating pain in my chest, as if someone was stabbing me repeatedly for about 5 minutes. I cannot catch my breath, my eyesight blurs slightly and it’s all a bit of a panic but eventually it dulls and I fall back asleep. That morning when I get up properly however I feel as though I feel I have been in a fire. My skin burns and itches, I want it off. Scratch scratch scratch but it doesn’t work. The noise, of the scratching. Damn I focused on it and now its all I can hear, it’s so loud. but now I am thinking of noises and I can all of a sudden hear everything and it’s all on full volume. Scratch, noise, sweat, noise, scratch.
It is all taking over at this point. The thought of being around people is horrible.
Can they hear how loud this scratching is too?
Or my over active breathing and fluttering heart beat?
Is it as loud to them as it is to me?
Can they feel the fire in my skin like I do?
Can they hear me drowning on my words when I have to speak?
Or, is it just all in my head?
Though I feel like I am on fire I also feel as though everything hurts, like super sensitive. The slightest brushing touch or fabric on my skin. It all feels like it’s suffocating and everything is too close, causing claustrophobia but it’s too open too. I cannot find the balance and its frustrating as hell! But he is up there, pushing all the buttons at such a rapid pace I cannot even catch my breath to calm myself to think what to do. He has taken over. As if Fear, Anger, Disgust and Sadness have all merged together to create this mutant feeling and locked away my Joy, taking over and spamming all the different buttons in my mind.
By this point I have given up trying to fight it, I have allowed it to play out its course until it’s fit of rage is over and it get’s bored, or until I find something that truly makes me want to fight it off again. It can take a few days, a week or a month. But it does eventually pass and day by day, I return to myself, thank goodness. My patience returns, my smile and all around joy. It’s time for my Roommate to hibernate for a time. But how long will it last this time?
Well there you have it, a fairly quick insight into the best way I can describe my anxiety. I hope you have enjoyed the post and found it interesting and educational. This is my own views however and not those of everyone so please do not assume every anxiety attack is the same for it most certainly is not! Finally, like in my disclaimer, this post is just my views and not medical advice so please seek a professional if you feel like you may suffer from anxiety.
Here are some video’s that help explain other people views and experience with Anxiety that I found, personally, very interesting and educational!
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